Boy Crazy

To put it in middle school terms, I've been boy crazy lately.  I've oogled shirtless football players, cat-called Marines, and had a series of dreams where Gordon Ramsey sweeps me off my feet (I'm still waiting for the dream where he and Daniel Craig duel for my affections.  I have a thing for blond Brits.). 

I don't want a relationship, I don't want sex, I just want to look at pretty boys.  I'm not thinking of them as men- men want relationships and/or sex.  Boys are just... things.  Pretty things.  I'm like a packrat fixated on something shiny.

I swear, I just looked at the clock and thought, "Time for the Sawyer show!"  Which is boy crazy for LOST.

So there's a 12 year old girl taking up residence in my brain, and I don't know how I feel about that.  Anyone else ever been through a phase like this?  As an adult?

Weekend

It was a nice weekend.  After 3 days of being sick, Saturday I was finally able to get up and around a bit.  Boy and I headed to the grocery store, then did a secret shop (which meant he got normally forbidden tater tots for lunch, which made him quite happy).  After the shop we went to Blockbuster, which as far as Boy is concerned is an inside playground.  He ran up and down the aisles, squealing with glee.  He just likes open space where he can run back and forth.  Kid and family DVDs were $0.99, so I picked up Elmo in Grouchland (Mandy Patankin and Vanessa Williams are in it, who knew?) because it looked like it might rain, and I'm not made of stone. 

Because it looked like rain, I wanted to get his energy out, so we went to the park.  He ran around for an hour- the child loves moving and being outside.  He's so funny- he loves to follow big kids around.  I kept taking him to the toddler slides and swings and he kept running back to the big kid side, because apparently getting trampled by 9 year old boys is AWESOME.  I love Boy's energy- I want to recapture some of that myself.  I've lost 15 pounds recently which helps- but I need to get moving.  Being sick derailed the exercise that I'd been doing over the last week, so this week I plan to hop back on that train.

Saturday night I had another secret shop to do, this time for a casual dining steakhouse.  So I took my mom out and we got the biggest ribeyes on the menu, along with mushrooms, onions, and salad.  She got some pie for dessert, and I had fun watching her relax.  She's been working really hard lately on a science competition her school does, and they finished it up Saturday, placing in two categories.  I'm so proud of her.  She's an absolutely amazing teacher.  The kids love her, other teachers love her, parents love her, and when she talks about school I can hear that she genuinely cares about the children and how they learn and who they are.  She's the hardest worker I know, not to mention an amazing woman.  Whenever I'm not sure what I should do, I ask myself "what would Mom do?"  You know what?  It's always the most kind, gracious, and honest thing possible.

Saturday night I picked my dad up from the airport, and we had a nice little ride back to his house.  He's been at a conference and traveling so he was brain-dead, so it was mostly just quiet time with my dad.  I liked it- usually when I'm around my dad Boy is there too, and there's no such thing as quiet time with an 18 month old around.

Sunday was nice and quiet- I had my first ever grass-fed rib-eye for lunch, and it was delicious.  I did some secret shopping while Boy napped, then the family watched The Invention of Lying together.  We enjoyed it and got to spend some time together watching the rare movie that 1) none of us had seen 2) no one objected to and 3) was funny.  We were going to Dad's for dinner and the Super Bowl, but his cable went out so we stayed at home and watched the Saints reign victorious over the NFL.  Between the Saints winning the Super Bowl and Alabama winning a National Championship, it's been an excellent year for sports here on the Gulf Coast. 

So that's it... nothing too eventful, just a slow, sweet weekend surrounded by family.  About time.

Friday Fragments

It's time for Friday Fragments, thanks to Ms. 4444-

These first two fragments are not for the weak of stomach, so skip them if you're squeamish:
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I'm still sick.  I looked in my throat Wednesday and it was pretty nasty- my tonsils were swollen up likered balloons, except there were dark areas on them where the blood goes through so it was red and inflamed and ANGRY looking.  Yesterday I knocked out my second dose of antibiotics and was feeling a lot better, but every time I swallow it feels like something lumpy is choking me.  So I checked out my tonsils again- now they're red, swollen, and covered in white pus.  My sister: "They look like a roadmap." Me: "TO HELL!" I took a picture, and if you're one of those people who loves train wrecks, you can check it out here.
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Guess what you get when you Google my tonsils look like there are maggots on them?  (I was curious, OK?)  The very first result is a link to an OK Cupid forum on maggot play.  Why.  The.  Face.  Would anyone consider maggots something to play with, especially like that?  I didn't go to the site, but the little excerpt Google pulled was enough to gross me out plenty. 
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And now you're safe.  No more gross stuff.

When I'm sick, my sister becomes a mama hen.  She makes me take medicine, gargle saltwater, and bathe regularly.  I pretend it annoys me, but secretly I love it.  My family's kind of funny in that one of the major ways we show affection is forcing each other to do what we should.  I fuss at my brother when he overspends.  He fusses at me if I express interest in a loser.  My sister makes me take care of myself physically.  I push her to take care of herself financially.  I don't know if other families function like that, but it works for us.  We know each other so well... we know each other's weaknesses and where we need help.  And we give it, in our own, possibly abrasive way.

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While sick, I've discovered some awesome food.  Yesterday I stumbled across peanut butter and cottage cheese.  Last night for dessert I had cottage cheese with vanilla, cinnamon, and Splenda (can you tell I had cottage cheese on hand?)  They're soooooo good, assuming you're OK with the texture of cottage cheese.  I also pulled together a pumpkin soup that was quite tasty.

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As I diet I'm getting more and more interested in eating in a way that goes beyond being superficially healthy.  I've done a lot of research on local farming co-ops, farmers markets,  grass fed beef, that kind of thing.  It's led to some interesting reading and I would eat organic, humanely raised food all the time... if I could afford it.  I think farmers markets will be my best bet.  I'd also like to buy beef by the side, but I can't use a whole side so I need to find people to split it with.  This may be leading to the weirdest interoffice e-mail ever sent.

Wordless Wednesday

I'm laid low with a really cruddy fever, and my throat is swollen so badly I'm stuck with broths and tea...  without further ado, an example of what happens when you take one of those toys that grows in water and submerge everything but it's head:

Now back to bed.

Freaked Out

I am super, super freaked out right now.  The horny dude that I met online last week and decided to pass on after he told me about his STD status, that he loves to be ravished, and that I was on his radar "in spite" of the fact that I had a child?  He's back.  He found my work Facebook profile- I don't know how- sent me a message, and became a fan of my company's Facebook page.  I had stopped responding to him on that site last week, so I guess he just decided to track me down.  So I disabled my OK Cupid account and jacked up the privacy settings on my Facebook (work and personal), but I don't know if I should reply or just block the crap out of him or what.  Suggestions are welcome.  My brother says tell him I'm focusing on being a mom right now, but I tried that with the last guy (Alan) and he kept texting me for months.  But then I tried the ignore him method with Kenny, with even weirder results (and he tried to friend me on my work Facebook 3 weeks ago!)

This is leading me to reflect on a few things:

1. To hell with online dating.  
2. Possibly to hell with men, period.  I was just looking for someone I could eat dinner and go to a damn movie with, and this is what I get?
3. Why do I attract nut jobs? Consistently, starting in college.  It's that saying, the one constant in your problems is you, but I didn't make my ex go nuts and I certainly didn't encourage this dude to track me down. 
4. I'm deleting my work Facebook profile.
5. This guy knows my full name and where I work now, and the only way I can think of that he found it by searching my city and my first name and scanning the pictures, because that's all the info I put out there.  The only reason my work profile is searchable is so independent contractors can find me, but screw that.  They can call me.
6. He writes well.  In the message he sent, he compliments me several times while apologizing in case I find his enthusiasm "creepy."  But you know what, I do find it creepy.  And pretty words are no match for the fear that hit my gut when I got to work, sat down at my desk, and saw that e-mail.  Not to mention the sucker punch that followed when I went to post an article on my company's Facebook page and saw that he was now a fan. 

Those of you out there who are in normal relationships and don't have the baggage of a crazy ex they're terrified of- is my reaction appropriate?

What the F*** man, what the F***.  I just wanted to test the waters and find someone to hang out with, and now I'm scared, nervous, and agitated because of this dude.  I need to follow my own advice and just stay on the crone path.  Apparently I'm incapable of protecting my personal life from weirdos, and God knows I have to protect my son.

*insert more expletives here*

Sorry, I know this post isn't very well-written, but I'm really jumpy right now.

Oh, and another thing, last night I had a dream that my ex tried to kill me again.  I woke up straight from a scene where he was over me, strangling me with his hands.  Sometimes I think my dreams are prophetic (poor word choice but best I can do right now), because every time I have a memorable dream, something in that vein happens.  Crazy ex as a symbol of online dating guy or whatever.  Or maybe it's just coincidences. I don't know.  But it certainly didn't help.

Goals

It's a resounding "neither" on the question from my last post, so I guess Cindy Crawford's concerns as she ages don't have much in common with anyone else. 

One month in, I thought I'd look back on the things I wanted to work toward this year:

Doing well

• Increased my 401k contribution by 1.5%
• Didn't spend anything on credit card this month
• I've saved money toward my grad school tuition
• I've made $500 in supplemental income from secret shopping and other sources, so I'm halfway to my original goal
• Still breastfeeding and enjoying it

Works in Progress

• I wasn't doing well on working out, but this last week I've buckled down and worked out almost every day
• Same with eating- I've done really well this last week but need to make it a long-term thing
• I went to a yoga class for the first time today- it was really, really nice and cost $8, with the studio providing all the gear.  I would love to make that a weekly thing.
• Being patient and accepting- this one is really tied to my mood, so I need to work on making it more constant.

 Not Started

• Funding Boy's ESA for the fiscal year
• I'm not seeing my chiropractor anymore because my company's health plan changed and I can't afford the deductible

So I feel like I'm making some decent progress.  I'm in a completely shitty mood today, but that's not related to any long-term trends so I'll just leave it off the radar.

MILF or Cougar?

Last week I was reading Star magazine, and on the back pages where they have random celebrity quotes, I saw this from Cindy Crawford: "I don't want to be a cougar, I want to be a MILF."  I was intrigued, so I looked up the rest of what she said, which was "I hate that word cougar and what it represents. MILF is a word I absolutely love."

I think too much, especially about the pop culture garbage I love to digest, so this got my gears turning.  My apologies if Maxim has already covered this territory, but here are my perceptions of the major differences between cougars and MILFs.  :

Kids
MILF: Has kids at home
Cougar: Either no kids or kids are out of the nest

Aggressiveness
MILF: Is pursued and admired, but isn't an active participant with her admirers
Cougar: Is admired but takes the initiative

Relationship
MILF: In a relationship, usually married
Cougar: Single or in an open relationship

I don't know which one I'd rather be... but as a single mom, I'll have the unique ability to go from a MILF to a cougar with no aging husband to stand in my way (woot woot!).  In my opinion I'm way more likely to wind up a cat lady, but it's good to know I have options if I decide to bring out the sexy.

As a mom, a lot of my identity can get swept up in parenting my son- so it was nice to take a step back and remember that as a woman, I might be an object of desire (gasp!)  So tell me- what would you want to be?  MILF, cougar, cat lady, or something else?

Friday Fragments

It's time for Friday Fragments, thanks to Ms. 4444-

A gossipy (but sweet) coworker: "Hmmm, I see there are prenatal vitamins on your desk... anything I should know?"
Me: "I'm still breastfeeding and want to make sure I get all the nutrients I need?"
Coworker: "Oh."  *walks away, visibly disappointed*

I would love it if I could afford to have another child right now, but it just ain't happening.
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I haven't been back to online dating since the sexed up loser debacle of earlier this week, although the guy has sent me 3 messages that I've ignored (the only contact info he has is through the dating site, so I'm ignoring the notifications more so than the messages).
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We live near a Marine Corps reservist base.  The other morning on the way to work, there were a bunch of Marines out running sprints.  So I rolled down the window and gave 'em a "Whoo hoo!!"  because they were looking good.  I like to do my part for our servicemen's self esteem.
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iPad!  *Giggle giggle giggle*
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This is about to turn into a meat market, so feel free to check out if muscular 22 year old men don't interest you.

There's a big football game in town this weekend.  There are big football players running all over downtown.  To borrow a line from Liz Lemon, I want to go to there.  I'd even be willing to forget that certain people played for other SEC teams (Tim Tebow, Florida)

Except that there are guys who played for Alabama right there too, and they're just as hot (Javier Arenas, Roy Upchurch)

To repeat, I WANT TO GO TO THERE
(Tebow and Leigh Tiffin of Alabama... OMG y'all if the KICKER looks this good with his shirt off....)

Javier Arenas, Colin Peek (who I saw graduate with my lil' sister!)

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*ahem*

Right, so... fragments.

Yeah, I think that's all I've got.

I'm going to go get some water.

Wordless Wednesday

He's so much like me it's scary.

The book is I Love You Stinky Face, which is AWESOME.

Online Dating

So now that this visitation thing is settled, I feel like a veil has been lifted because I don't have to worry quite so much.  All of the sudden I feel like I can do anything.  And I looked back and realized that in almost 2 years of being on my own, I've been on one date.  And that one date?  Sucked.  Royally. 

I want to get back out there, but here in the deep south if you're not dating your high school/college boyfriend and you're not a Christian, there aren't many non-club places to meet single guys... so I've resorted to the internet.  I signed up for a few free dating sites, and today I got contacted by a guy on OK Cupid.  I'd seen his profile and he looked like a decent guy- nerdy and funny.  But I'd previously decided against contacting him because he had the same first name as my ex.  It seems petty, I know, but that's one of the lasting scars of my relationship- I have a deep, deep aversion to hearing his name.

So he and I send a few messages back and forth, I sheepishly explain my problem, and he says it's cool, lots of people call him by his middle name anyway.  We send a few messages back and forth, then move to IM.  We're talking about innocent stuff- general getting to know you things.  We get to a point where we're talking about food.  I mention Middle Eastern, he mentions a restaurant and says he'd like to take me there, and I say "I'm in"

His next message reads: "Just want you to know I've been tested and I'm clean, and I go to the Public Health Department downtown every time I have a new partner."

Whaaaaaaaaaa?????????

Who the hell interprets let's eat Middle Eastern food together as I want to do you!?

So I reply that I was married for a while so I'm not used to worrying about that but it's good he does, and he says something to the effect of "wow, so it's been a while."  Then he starts talking about how he likes to make sure his woman is satisfied, taking care to reassure me that "I'm not as horny as I sound."

Thanks.

At this point, I'm lost.  Is this normal?  What the hell?  So I call Mark in to read it over and tell me, because he has veto power over guys I meet (It's not a patriarchy thing, I just trust my brother to keep me safe).  Mark thinks that he's probably just talking big because it's on the internet, but that it's really weird.  So I reply and ask if that's what he expects or if there's a middle ground, he says there's nothing wrong with enjoying sex, and I tell him I have to go.


Five years ago and I'd probably be out with that guy right now.  And I agree that there's nothing wrong with enjoying sex.  But I'm not looking for a hookup.  If your "cleanliness" comes up, it's going to be after I get to know you and decide I want to have sex with you... which is not 5 minutes into chatting with you.

And you know what else?  I have more self-esteem than that!  I have a good career, even if I'm underpaid.  I have a college degree.  I'm a damn fine mother.  I work hard- at work, at school, at being a mom.  And I'm not going to settle for some sexed up loser just because he's the first guy in a while to express interest.

I know that last paragraph might not seem like much, but my desire to be wanted is what's driven so many of my past dysfunctional relationships.  Today, I decided that it's not enough to want me- a guy has to deserve me.  How cool is that?  I feel like I'm really proud of myself for something that's common sense for a lot of people, but trust me- for me, this is a revelation.